Too Much Perfume
Dear Meg,
I’m traveling to New Hampshire to spend Thanksgiving with my sister,
her husband, and his entire family. I’m happy to be invited and usually
have a pretty good time, but every year my sister seats me next to her mother-in-law
and the woman wears so much perfume I can hardly breathe, much less eat my
dinner. I know it would be impolite to say anything. Her mother-in-law is,
like, 94 so I’m sure she has no clue about odorous she is. Can I ask
my sister to make someone else sit next to her?
—Burford
My Dear Burford,
In a word—no. Nice try, but since you’ve admitted that sitting
next to your sister’s mother-in-law causes you both respiratory and
dining difficulties, you can’t really attempt to pass the unpleasantness
buck onto someone else. What you can do, however, is ask your sister to speak
to her husband’s mother. As the host, she’s responsible for making
her guests comfortable. She might consider telling her mother-in-law how
much she likes her perfume, but sometimes she feels almost “outdone” in
her own home. Ten to one the old bird will catch on immediately, show up
for dinner perfume-free, and you will be in for the best Thanksgiving you’ve
had in years—conversation-wise. Let me know how it goes.
Love, Meg
Forget Revenge
Dear Meg,
One of my best girl friends just got out of a relationship with
a man who lied to her repeatedly. I think the guy is a borderline sociopath
and that she should try to get back at him, but she insists on being
all forgiving and everything. She says if she doesn’t just detach and
focus on herself she will go nuts, so it’s mostly self-preservation
on her part. What do you think about this?
—Conchita
My Dear Conchita,
I think you are better off letting your friend worry about her own relationships
while you focus on you. Personally, I can’t stand it when someone I
care about gets hurt or is treated unfairly, but unless they ask me to do
something on their behalf I have to remind myself that the burden is, in
fact, not mine but theirs. The best thing you can do is offer to comfort
your friend and advise her to steer clear of the man in question. Let me
also say that retaliation is just plain wrong, pretty rude, and will ultimately
make any decent person feel more than a little rotten about herself.
A woman I care deeply about once had a man tell her he had had a vasectomy
but “he didn’t know if it had taken.” The poor dear had
no idea this was one of the oldest lines in the book for guys who just don’t
want to practice safe sex. Like you, I was incredulous on her behalf, but
I had to remind her that trust is a relative concept—people can and
do let you down—and she had better learn to protect herself in the
future. Meanwhile, I secretly hoped the Buddhists were correct in their idea
of hell being a rather long journey in the afterlife.
It’s wonderful you care so much for your friend. The most caring thing
you can do is respect her wishes on this. It sounds as if she’s got
a good handle on what she needs. I suggest you follow her lead.
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