Are You a People Pleaser?

The Disease to Please

by Peggy Hammes

Do you have trouble saying no? Do you do things for other peoplebut almost never ask anybody to do things for you? You may be a people pleaser,someone who thinks of other people’s needs before her own. People pleasersworry about what other people want, spend a lot of time doing things for others,and rarely do things for themselves—or feel guilty when they do.

It’s hard being a people pleaser. These types hold back from sayingwhat they really think or want if they perceive someone will be upset withthem for it. Yet they often spend time with people who don’t considertheir needs at all. In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitiveor unhappy people feel better, even at a cost to their own well-being.

Constantly trying to please others is draining, and people pleasers oftenfeel anxious, unhappy, and tired. They may not understand why no one does anythingfor them when they do so much for others—yet they rarely ask for whatthey need.

A people pleaser may think that asking for help obligates someone to giveagainst his will. If he really wanted to help, thinks the people pleaser, hewould have offered without my asking. This line of reasoning comes about becausepeople pleasers themselves feel obliged to help—not always because theywant to. Sadly, people pleasers have been taught that their worth depends ondoing things for others.

People pleasers are very sensitive to other people’s feelings but rarelyfocus on themselves. When they do, feelings of guilt and selfishness result.People pleasers were often raised in homes where their needs and feelings werenot respected or considered important. As children, they were expected to takecare of other people’s needs, or they may have been neglected or otherwiseabused, thus learning that their needs were not important.

In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers—to think ofothers’ needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at leastsome degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothersoften do as well.

Focusing mostly on others, people pleasers often feel empty, or don’tknow how they feel, what they think, or what they want.

The disease to please is a potent way to distract yourself from feeling, amask that covers pain—usually extreme pain. It hides your feelings fromothers and from yourself. This very attempt to make yourself feel better putsyou in a constant state of tension, one that comes from trying to detect others’ emotionalstates and how to respond.

Fortunately, it is possible to change this pattern and reduce the tendencyto please others. Here are some suggestions.

• Practice saying no. This is a very important word! Say it as oftenas you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it out loud whenyou are alone. Practice such phrases as “No, I can’t do that” or “No,I don’t want to go there.” Try it for simple things first, thenbuild your way up to harder situations.

• Stop saying yes. Remember to pause and take a breath before respondingto a request. You might say, “I need to think about it first—I’llget back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and call you back.” Useany phrase that you like that gives you time before you automatically respond.

• Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty.

• Walk slowly; it’s part of slowing down your pace.

• Discover what gives you pleasure—for example, reading magazines,going to a park, or listening to music—and then give yourself permissionto do them.

• Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one,but you can do it!

• Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. Then try sayingwhat you feel and think more often.

Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doingthings for others. But if someone stops liking you because you don’tdo what they want, you probably don’t want them as a friend anyway. Peoplewill like you for who you are and not simply for what you do.

You deserve to take care of yourself, and it’s within your reach to change—onesmall step at a time.

Peggy Hammes, M.S., is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Imago Certified RelationshipTherapist, and Teacher of Wisdom. Questions can be addressed to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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