BY NEIL FAUERSO
Up here (Seattle), it’s been finals month, and my life has been filled with phrases like “hermaneutic” and the “progressive nodding into the post-modern.” Thus, I haven’t actually seen any new movies in a long time. However, I am deeply excited about the summer movie season and have decided to write my first impressions of the upcoming slew of consumer juggernauts. Each film will get either a yay or a nay.
Spiderman 3/Shrek 3: Heavy Nay
Yes, they are already out, but they still get my ire. In Hollywood, the third film in a series is almost always the most bloated. Even a true trilogy, like the Lord of the Rings, ends a most meandering and overstuffed film. This is because everyone gets greedy, power-drunk, and haphazard and we get a Spiderman film with an emo Peter Parker, and a Shrek film filled with ogre poop and vomit jokes. Good times.
Knocked Up: Heavy Yay
The Internet buzz has been bananas on this one. Director Judd Apatow’s first film, The 40-year old Virgin, was the rarest of hybrids: hilarious sex-comedy and romance that worked equally well in both genres. Expect actor Seth Rogen to explode after this one.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End: Nay
I don’t get this franchise. It’s based on a animatronic ride and features equally animatronic acting. What’s so appealing about Johnny Depp’s queeny pirate pantomime? Also, this movie is three hours long! See, the third film is always bloated.
Ocean’s 13: Yay
I’m one of those people who actually like Ocean’s 12. “But it’s just a bunch of rich actors amusing themselves!” Yeah, that’s the point. I enjoyed a film of beautiful people stealing bejeweled eggs and jetsetting around Europe. Sue me. This third installment might avoid the bloat curse by returning to Vegas, plus it’s got a Sea of Love reunion of Ellen Barkin and Al Pacino.
Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Heavy Nay
I don’t understand how liquid-metal CGI has seemingly regressed since T-2. The Silver Surfer looks way chintzier and more Max-Headroom-like than the great T-1000. What happened? Maybe computer animators were so busy trying to take dinosaur, ogre, and boat imaging to the next level, they forgot about what’s really important: liquid metal. Plus, Michael Chiklis as The Thing reminds me of The Kool-Aid Man.
Transformers: Heavy Yay
I loved Transformers as a kid. In fact, I loved them so much I cracked my head open on the corner of my parents’ fireplace and had to get 12 stitches while I was pretending to be a Transformer. Yes, Michael Bay is directing this, but the previews look awesome. As long as the robot-to-Shia-LaBeouf/Megan-Fox-romance-ratio is even or in the robots’ favor, we’re good.